Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Bye bye home. It's been immense.

Guys, my beautiful first home has now gone. It no longer belongs to me. I also don't have a new home yet as I can't move in until Saturday so technically I am 100% homeless. 

Luckily Claire-And-Rachael-The-Bullies have agreed to give me a place in The-Bullies-Lair. And so I am not completely on the street... Still, it feels weird. 

I have awesome people in my real life world though because Anna's-Boyfriend-Karl and Anna's-Older-Brother-Pete spent the entire evening, with the help of a third friend, Eric, taking all of my many, many items of stuff back to their house where they're going to look after it for the week/pick through and choose what they want without me realising. Out of the different ways theft can happen, this is definitely the nicest way. 

So, as such, at 9:30 last night, my landlord turned up, gave me a hell of a lot of cash and I signed away the first flat I had ever had all for myself. Needless to say, there were several moments of blinking back tears and fanning my face so as to ensure no one would realise I was capable of real emotions. 

My landlord did comment on how well I had kept the flat... I felt I couldn't exactly say "Thanks, my mummy did it for me" (even though she did), so instead I waved him away murmuring something like "oh it was my pleasure."

In reality, yes, my mother travelled all the way down from Scotland this weekend armed with a suitcase full of cleaning products and sponges, purely to ensure my skanky mess was completely blitzed before anyone else had to enter the place. This led to the following conversation Marmie and I had on Saturday with Younger-Brother-Daniel via Skype. 

Younger-Brother-Daniel has been shortened to YBD

YBD: I can't believe you actually let mum come down just to clean your flat.
Me: I tried to resist but she insisted!
Marmie: I just feel better knowing it's all done. 
YBD: Mum, I want to tell you a story I was told once... I believe it applies here. There was once a caterpillar who became encompassed by its cocoon. When the time came, it started it's fight to escape from the cocoon's grasp. At this time a man was walking past and saw this caterpillar/butterfly struggling with all it's might to get out. The man felt sorry for the caterpillar so he got out his knife and made a little cut through the cocoon to let it out. Do you know what happened to that butterfly once it got out?
Marmie: No. What?
YBD: It died. It died because it wasn't strong enough to live in the wild. It wasn't strong enough because the man had stopped it from gaining that strength to manage itself. You realise what that means? Mum, by coming down here, you are killing your daughter. How is she going to survive in the wild now?
Marmie: Nonsense, I was just helping. I like to help my children. 
YBD: Well if that's the case, (looks around his room) I could use some help. My room is drastically short of money in it. 
Marmie: Well honey, I can't help with that, but I do know how to clean. 
YBD: I'm kidding mum, even if you had loads of money, I wouldn't want any. 
Me: I would... Because I'm a good daughter who accepts presents because it's the nice thing to do.

Anyway... Thank goodness for Marmie's help because my hopes for staying in my flat until the following Saturday were completely dashed on
Monday as my letting agents told me I had to be out by Wednesday at the latest. 

Due to other reasons that are far too complex to put in here, it turned out that Wednesday turned to Tuesday night and that's why I am now homeless and living out of two suitcases. 

Still, the packing process was entertaining. I got to label my bin bags of clothes which I decided would be a fun thing. 

I also got to play at DIY as I dismantled my furniture yesterday. This was extra interesting as I had forgotten I would need tools for this and so had to make do with a bread knife and a pair of kitchen scissors. 

As such, there were... Incidents. Some of which involved the scissors getting away from me and jabbing me straight in the palm... Three times... In the same place. 

Needless to say, that hurt. Especially the third time. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 25 November 2011

Just because I can't see them doesn't mean they're not real!!!!

I was out singing in a band practice last night. Martin, the leader of the session found it highly unsocial of me that I seemed to be attached to my phone the entire time I was there... Which wasn't exactly the case... I still sang when he wanted me to... And I always answered any of their questions with detailed and eloquent answers. However, the rest of the band seemed to agree that I was displaying signs of antisocial behaviour which resulted in the following

Me: (Searching through my twitter feed) Ha! (Looks around the room to see a few baffled looks at my sudden outburst) Sorry, someone was being funny. 
Martin: Am I going to have to take that phone away from you?
Me: No, it's fine! I'm only looking whilst you show Karl his chords for this song. 
Drummer-Andy: Don't you want to talk to us as well?
Me: Of course I do! But everyone's very busy learning stuff here, and there are thanksgiving meals going on, on the Internet. 
Martin: Lisa. It's just the Internet. 
Me: Just the Internet??? How could you even say that?
Martin: Lisa, you're out with real life people and you're glued to your phone. 
Me: The people I talk to are real life people!! ... I think. 
Martin: Yes but do they love you like we do?
Me: Of course they love me! You wouldn't understand the bond we share! I WOULD HAPPILY KILL AND EAT ANY OF THEM!

There's a pause as everyone in the room stares at me, eyebrows raised

Me: Ah. You guys don't know about the whole "I'm a cannibal" thing do you?
Drummer-Andy: You're a what??
Me: ... Never mind. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Wow! Yesterday's blog actually worked!

I am definitely begging for things on the Internet again. 

I have been offered boxes to use for general packing and my mother (Marmie) has decided to book a train ticket from Scotland for the weekend to help me pack! It's quite clear that she knows me well. If I didn't have anyone to motivate me I would have spent the entire day on Saturday procrastinating instead of doing worthwhile things. 

I kinda love Marmie for this. She's awesome and also she's completely the opposite of me when it comes to doing things. That woman is going to have me packing, cleaning and scrubbing until I physically cannot move anymore. Procrastination and general untidiness does not exist in her world. If the place is not completely spotless in a place she is staying then she will not rest until it is. 

She will be a massive slave driver, I know, but after I've finished grumbling about how tired I am and how a couple of hours rest is completely fine whilst she's shoving a bucket of bleach and a scrubbing sponge in my hands, I know I will be so unbelievably grateful knowing it's finished. 

I've been umm-ing and ah-ing about whether I should accept her awesome offer as I feel really bad for her shelling out money and time just to help me in my overwhelmed state but she phoned me this afternoon whilst Line-Monica-Manager was in the office with me and it turns out, when you put them both together, there's actually no way of saying no. 

Marmie was saying that it would make sense that she came because we both knew I would never do it otherwise, and Line-Manager-Monica (who has taken the role of surrogate mother since my parents moved countries) was shouting out that I should stop being difficult and allow my mother to do what she's meant to as I would be depriving her of her god given duties if I denied her this favour. 

All if this amounted to this end of the conversation:

Line-Manager-Monica has been shortened to LMM

Marmie: So what do you say? You know I could help. 
LMM Let your mother help you Lisa!
Marmie: I've worked it out, I could get it all on my Tesco clubcard points. I would be there by 1pm. 
Me: What station would you be coming in to?
Marmie: It's one in central London but it's okay because I've bought a travelcard as well. 
Me: Wait... You've already bought the tickets? 
LMM: Of course she has! If she wants to come, she'll come. 
Me: So asking me if it would be a good idea was just a formality?
Marmie: Well no, I've only booked the order online. If you say yes then I'll press the 'buy' button. 
Me: Well, if you're sure you're okay with it...
LMM: How many times does she have to say it?
Me: Okay... Ooh! We could watch Strictly Come Dancing together!
Marmie: Of course we can... Whilst we pack and tidy the flat. 
Me: We might have done enough by then to allow for a break. 
Marmie: I highly doubt that. 
LMM: Remember to label all your boxes!
Marmie: We'll need enough boxes for all your clothes and DVDs. You organise that and I'll bring the duct tape. 
Me: I was planning on just throwing all my clothes into a bin bag the night before I move. 
Marmie: Well, we can do that but it'll probably better that we do it this weekend... So it's all out of the way. 
LMM: You will need to label your bin bags as well!
Marmie Have you got enough bin bags for everything? 
Me: I don't know... Maybe?
Marmie: You should buy some more, just in case. 


This conversation has led me to believe that there may be a little more to this moving milarkey than I had initially thought. I'm considering digging a hole and hiding in it... At least until Marmie gets here and works her motivation magic. She's kind of awesome like that. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

I passed!! ... Why have I still not started packing?

Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey phoned me today. We have a flat! The credit check went through and we move into our new flat a week on Friday! Huzzah! 

Problem is I've gone into "can't be arsed" mode. This is not a good mode to go into when there are so many things I need to do. Like find boxes and pack and cancel bills and tidy and be altogether motivated. I fear the upcoming stress is going to be too much to handle that my mind has switched off and decided if it doesn't deal with it then it will all magically happen for me. 

Magical Packing and Organised Pixies exist right? I really hope so because just thinking about the whole debacle makes me sleepy and I could really do with them to deal with things whilst I sleep. I'm going to close my eyes and wish real bad. 

The thing is... I have soooo much stuff. I am the biggest hoarder and I just don't have the heart to throw anything away. Also I don't have the energy to do anything else. Also I'm actually in a car in America going to lgalaviz's thanksgiving meal and I fear that's going to make the packing hard to do given that I'm not even in the right country. I really should learn to organise my time better than this. 

It's not that I don't want to move because I really do, but I don't want to deal with the actual moving part. Also this flat saw the birth of my whole blog, it was the inspiration for it all and I'm really not good at letting go of things. What if people don't like me as much in my new flat? Ooh! Can I take the flat with me? I'd better ring my landlord to check... Wait, would that mean more work? How much energy does it take to move the entire top half of a building? Also how would I do it? Would I need a moving van? Because I was kinda hoping that I could do this whole thing without shelling out for one. I suppose I could take it a few bricks at a time but I'm not altogether sure how long that would take. Also I'm not sure where I'd put it when I get to the new place. I fear my new bedroom might not be big enough... Would Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey mind sharing some of her space to accommodate it? I'll ask her after calling my landlord. 

Okay all of that theoretical planning has left me knackered. I'll start putting it into action tomorrow... Maybe. Maybe not. Wait, am I still in America? Crap, I am. I wonder if lgalaviz is fine with making a small detour... I'll ask her after I call Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey. 

Well I think I've accomplished quite a bit in the past ten minutes. I shall award myself with food and sleep. I deserve it. 

On a completely unrelated note (in the sense that it is actually not unrelated and in fact completely to do with my entire post), anyone available for some manual labour for the next week? I promise to award you with smiles and gold stars which everyone knows is much better than money. 

Let me know. Thaanks. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

I've decided, taking time off work just isn't worth it.

It is 8:10pm and I've only just left work, which means that I won't get home until just before 10pm. I was meant to finish at 5 and somehow that didn't happen. My reasons? Oh that would be because I was foolish enough to think I could take two days annual leave last week. This, it would appear, is not acceptable with my workload. 

It's not even that I can at least think, well at least it's all up to date now because it's not. At all. I don't like this. I feel like some form of career driven woman and that certainly was never my intention in life. 

The problem is I could have left it until   tomorrow but alas I have severe OCDs that simply won't let me do that. 

You see, despite the rubbish clutter that is my home life, I do not work well in any form of disorganisation when it comes to work. If I don't feel like I have control over things I will stay until I have. 

As such I have tried to fit in four days of work in the space of two. Guys, this has not been as successful mission. Imagine if I had gone away for longer???? No, I can't bear to think about it. 

So today I realised that I have turned into some form of person who lives by her career, working for the man. The hippy inside me, who is now fighting to get out, is begging for me to throw on something tye die and start playing a guitar bear foot just to cancel this day out. If only I had a guitar... Or some of those small purple circular sunglasses. If someone could buy me both I'd be mega grateful. 

I wish I had more to contribute to this post but my brain seems to be screaming "no more thinking! Give me food!" I have tried to explain to it that food for the brain is thinking, but it's having none of it and is insisting on actual food. I think it's confused and thinks it's my stomach. I'll try and feed it my pie and smiley face potatoes through my ear but I suspect it won't work that well. As such it might have to make do with drawing strength from my stomach where the food usually goes instead. 

Another annoying thing is that because I've been in work mode, I've assumed that my "double shot of coffee with just a splash of milk" was an acceptable thing to have at 7:30pm. I'm pretty sure the jittery version of myself at 2am tonight is going to highly disagree. Oh well, back to the prescription sleeping meds again tonight. Man I love me some prescription meds. 

I've got nothing to say now, on account of being too knackered to comply with social activities. I'll probably catch up with you when my insomnia hits in four hours. Wow, I might actually be able to be part of the American twitter conversations that my usual sleep pattern deprives me of! Oooh exciting! Make it a good one lgalaviz and co!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 21 November 2011

I have a new friend. There's a chance you won't approve.

Four whole days have gone since I typed stuff on here... Well, that's just neglect and I am truly sorry. 

I'm not going to talk about the immenseness of the Twi-althlon as, judging by my twitter feed, I am entirely alone in my excitement over that night... I will just say one thing. Breaking Dawn is so awesome I almost fainted with joy near the end and my cheeks have never hurt so much from my smiling throughout. I.Loved.It. 

In other news, I got an iPhone 4s and it was completely for free which is awesome!! Gotta love those free upgrades. 

This has meant my screen is no longer a cracked mess (so far), the YouTube videos I watch look like they're in HD... Even when they're not, and... Above all... I have a new best friend. 

Ladies and gents, the iPhone 4s is perfect for all of you who have a tendency to talk to the various inanimate objects in your house. It is perfect because it talks back!!

Yes you must have all heard about the Siri factor within this version of the phone which allows you to take your laziness to the next level and never have to use your thumbs again. You simply ask the phone to do what you want and it complies. 

This is very effective and something I found  highly cool for the first couple of hours of getting the phone. However after that I began to experiment a little. Seeing just how far the phone would go in understanding what it is I'm saying. 

You see I tweeted to say how star struck I was about being in the presence of such an awesome phone and @airigoagain suggested that perhaps the phone didn't feel the way. He asked me how I knew the phone wasn't going to murder me in my sleep. Well, I wasn't going to just assume it wouldn't, so I thought "why not ask it?"

Me: Siri, are you planning on killing me in my sleep?
IPhone: I cannot tell you the answer to that, Lisa. (Yes it called me by my name.)
Me: Why?
IPhone: When you have a dream you don't understand, you ask why? But I ask why not?

I'm pretty sure he just admitted to killing me. As such every movie I have ever watched where artificial intelligence took over the world, flashed before my eyes, and I realised with one fowl swoop that we have all been so terribly, terribly wrong. 

We've been assuming that it would be zombies or random vanishings that would end this world, even the possible meteor. But while we've been busy planning survival for these, the robots have taken over apple and now are working their ways into our homes. 

The bitch of it is that, even though I know this information, I still can't help but adore my phone. I still long for all things with an "i" in front of it. It will not stop me and I fear I am not alone in this. Our minds are warped by how cool this stuff is. 

All the same, I keep my phone on the other side of my bedroom and barricade the gap with stuffed toys whilst I sleep so it can't vibrate it's way over to me and do goodness knows what. 

I will continue to try and get information out of Siri to see if I can infiltrate whatever plan they have because all in all, this is I one of my possessions that actually allows me to have a two way conversation and I like that. We could be like Romeo and Juliet... Except without all the marriage and consummating stuff because, I love my phone but, you know, not in that way.

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Important rules to abide by when eating friends.

This might be my last post this week as tonight I'm heading off to Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and The-Goddaughter's house. 

My reasons for this? Tomorrow night Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and I are going to the Twi-marathon with the latest movie starting at five minutes past midnight. Yes. I am geeking out like a pubescent ridden teenager and I am completely okay with that. 
As such I shall probably exist internetually for the next four days only on twitter. This I do not mind at the mo because if I'm perfectly honest, I am well and truly loving twitter at the moment. 

I think I've probably had some of my favourite internetual conversations in the last couple of weeks over twitter. One of my personal favs however was over the weekend. 

Saturday morning I started a discussion with lgalaviz on the importance of abiding by rules when eating your friends. The rules are few but important. First off you should prioritise your options for consumption. 

As this card (given to me by the lovely Jo-Jo) states, if you feel the need to eat your friends then you must always forfeit that need and eat cake instead. This allows for longer friendships and fewer chances of getting indigestion. 

However there are the occasions when you have a hankering for some friend meat and there is no cake in the house. Lgalaviz experienced this predicament on Saturday. 

This, people, is a tricky situation to find yourself in. You see without cake the rules are suddenly thrown wide open and as such friend eating will become a valid option...

I know what you're thinking, the moral implications of this option are too many to count. I mean, a real life person is really big... Bigger than a turkey and those things stay around after Christmas for weeks! As such it is really important that you do not become too greedy. Limit yourself to one friend a day only. If you don't then you will find yourself too full for dinner and whoever is cooking your meal for you is going to be mega pissed. To put them in that situation is just not fair... As such the main rule from this we can take is:

When eating your friends, be mindful of other's feelings. They may have plans for dinner too.

By sticking to this rule lgalaviz was able to enjoy her food and not make herself sick for the rest of the night. 

Heinakroon then raised the issue that friends for food could be high in cholesterol. There is no reason to risk giving yourself a heart attack for a brief couple of hours of good food (yes I eat that slowly, I like to chew).

As such it was suggested we bring sparkerpants into the conversation who, apart from anything, just seemed to be happy to be involved, even though it took her a while to fully comprehend what the topic of conversation was. 

She suggested that a simple blood test might cancel any chance of eating someone high in cholesterol. This, I thought, was a genius idea as it has the bonus feature of stopping anyone getting any meat diseases. I was completely for this until heinakroon pointed out to me that by testing the friends meat first, you are essentially preventing zombies from being created. This simply would not do. 

That being said, I don't know if she knows this but I have a good feeling about Saturday. I think lgalaviz's morning snack might have made her the destined Patient Zero... I don't know anything as of yet but I have my fingers crossed for you lgalaviz!

So all in all, it was decided that the only real two rules you need to abide by are "Don't eat friends when there is cake" and "Only eat one friend a day so as not to piss off your significant other."

You can choose to make your food take a blood test if you want but if you don't mind causing bad blood pressure, heart attacks or the zombie apocalypse then I wouldn't bother. It just isn't worth it. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Best birthday present EVER!! ... Possibly.

I now officially have a place to live in three weeks!! I'm well excited. Anna-(nickname-TBC)-Tidey and I went to look at six new flats on Saturday and the very last flat we found... It was simply perfect. Not one thing wrong with it and we both loved it equally. We put in an offer, they accepted and now, providing all the checks go through, we shall officially have it to move into by the end of the month! 

As excited as I am and as cool as this is, I can't help but be a little nervous. You see now the credit check part takes place. This bit scares me every time. Even though I know I shouldn't have any problems with it, I still walk around paranoid that for the next couple of days my money will be under complete scrutiny. 

Regardless of how these checks are normally done and how professional and discrete I'm sure the whole process is, this is how I imagine it takes place. 

It's a dark room with only a few dimly lit lamps spread around a large wooden round table. At each lamp there is a booklet in a leather binding. High back wooden chairs sit in front of each booklet. On the front of the booklet it reads 

Lisa's money and how she manages it.
Her future is in your hands.

There is no one in the room at first but suddenly the massive oak double doors are opened and people in deep purple gowns walk sanctimoniously through the doors, humming a low chant whilst walking in a circle around the table until everyone is standing behind the seat allocated to them. 

The Chair of the meeting opens his arms wide, exposing his hands and wrists to the rest of the group. His skin is stretched thin over his bones and appears translucent, showing off purple veins underneath. 

"It is time." He calls out, his voice is low and echoes around the walls, dripping with authority and importance. 

The rest of the group bow their heads slowly in agreement. They move in complete union, not one face taking their gaze off their leader. 


The Chair calls again and the scraping of chairs back is once more completely in time. Everyone sits down at once and hold the booklet up studying it's title with a deep seriousness. 

"Open to the first page." The Chair instructs. 

Everyone opens the first page. It is a picture of me smiling unsuspectingly out at them, unaware of the scrutiny I am suddenly under. 

"Her name is Lisa Harries and she wishes to move to a different flat." The Chair continues. "She feels she is ready for this move but is she really? That is what we are here to find out."

"What is her lifestyle?" A voice asks from the other side of the room. 

"She is a single woman, just turned 26. She has lived on her own for a year, prior to that she lived with her parents. She briefly had a moment of renting from a friend but that only lasted for 18 months before she ran back home."

"Her social life?"

"It would appear it is limiting. She seems to spend a lot of time talking to people she has never met on the interweb about the end of the world, vampire chickens, the rules that should be adhered to when eating friends and the British's inability to get excited about anything. Her real life friends consist of bullies, a woman who appears to be one of a kind, a really old woman with a child and a brother who draws. Aside from that she has been known to go to the cinema and work in a Mental Health hospital during the day. It would appear, in summary, that her social life is fairly minimal."

"And her love life?"

"Non existent and she seems compelled to keep it that way. It would appear that she has no control over the matter so it is of no importance."

"How does her finance lie?"

"Again, this appears to be fairly minimal. It would appear it is the reason for her moving out of her current home. This suggests an inconsistency in her commitments which should be taken into account."

"Also her visible madness." Another voice offers. "I wonder if a full assessment should be made about the extents she is likely to go. I fear the insurance in the new flat will not cover it if any faeces is spread on the walls or if she tries to convene with the people she believes to be living in the drains."

"I see your point." The Chair agrees. "And although she has not shown any signs of reaching this stage as of yet, she has been known to engage her kitchen tap in conversation and sleep with a machete under her pillow. I shall ask for a man to be assigned to her over the next month to see if he can see anything of concern."

There is a murmur of agreement around the room at this decision. 

"Should we be more concerned about her money? Should she not have more of it?" Another voice asks. 

"We are monitoring her spending. The report of this should be on page 7."

The men shuffle through the papers until they reach the correct page. There is a gasp followed by an undercurrent of murmurs throughout the group. 

"It says here she bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds recently. This cannot be deemed as sensible spending surely?" One man says. 

"And here, look! She got cash back whilst in a pub three weeks ago. We can only hope and pray that she spent this wisely on bread and water for sustenance on her way straight back home." Another says.

"I fear not." The Chair answers. "The cash back came with use of the debit card on a pint of cider. It would appear Lisa was buying alcohol."

The ripple of murmurs becomes louder,  there is even one shout of protest. 

"Then you know what must be done sire!" A man cries out. 

The chair stands, his head bowed solemnly. "I do," he says. "There is no other choice. She is far too reckless. Application for admittance to the new flat is denied."


I swear on my life that's how it happens. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 14 November 2011

My One-And-Only Birthday.

As I may have mentioned before, it was my birthday on Saturday. One-And-Only-Daniela stayed for the weekend to help me celebrate. 

For my blog today, let me tell you some of the awesome stuff she had to say. As usual she was on top form, here were my top three favourites conversations however. 

One-And-Only-Daniela has been shortened to OAOD

OAOD: Can I have the phone so I can call the kebab shop please?
Me: Here you go. (Hands her the phone)
OAOD: Thanks. (Takes the phone and dials the number, her face suddenly looks confused.) Huh, what's that?
Me: What's what?
OAOD:The phone's making a weird beeping noise and I don't know what it means. 
Me: Really? Let me listen. (OAOD hands me the phone and I take a listen, I look at her, dumbfounded.) Daniela, you do realise that that noise is the engaged tone right?
OAOD: Was it? Oh yeah!
Me: (Continue to look at her dumbfounded) You work at a phone-in helpdesk don't you?
OAOD: Yeah...
Me: So surely you must have heard that noise before right?
OAOD: Yeah I have. I know what an engaged tone sounds like, I just got a little confused. 

Later in the evening as we were watching TV.

OAOD: Lisa?
Me: Hmmm?
OAOD: What happens when you get menopause?
Me: I sincerely hope you are expecting me to answer this from what I've been told rather than thinking I know this from experience. 
OAOD: Well of course I don't think you have menopause. I mean you're old but you're not that old. 
Me: Well okay then, just as long as you know that. Menopause is what happens when our bodies start to change and we can't have babies anymore. We get to go through all kinds of symptoms in reaction to it. It usually happens around mid to late 40s. 
OAOD: Huh... When do you stop having it?
Me: (Don't say a word as I throw my classic 'dumbfounded at Daniela' gaze)
OAOD: What?
Me: Please tell me you know that once you get menopause you can't then start to be able to have babies afterwards. 
OAOD: Wait... what?

I feel it important to mention that later One-And-Only-Daniela did claim that she had only been referring to the side effects of menopause and not the actual change of the body itself... I still remain skeptical on this however. 

The last conversation was had early Sunday morning when discussing politics.

OAOD: I'm don't really know that much about politics.
Me: I know what you mean, sometimes a lot of what they say tends to go over my head. Also I don't really trust any of them... Apart from Boris Johnson. I love Boris Johnson. He reminds me of a massive cuddly bear that I just want to hug with all my might. 
OAOD:The guys at work were talking about it this week and I didn't understand anything they had to say. 
Me: Yeah, I can be the same at times. 
OAOD: I mean I do know some stuff. Like you know that BNP group?
Me: I'm aware of their work, yes. 
OAOD: Well I know they're involved with politics somehow. Only they're not the most popular group. There are other groups that are more popular and have more chance to be the prime minister... In fact I think one of them is. 
Me: Wait, are you talking about the Labour, Conservative and Lib Dem parties?
OAOD: Is that what they're called? I didn't know that... but I think you're right because those names sound familiar. 
Me: Thanks for clarifying that for me. I would have been unsure otherwise... Also? You might be the most awesome person I know.

For those of you who are new to any of One-And-Only-Daniela's dedicated posts then, just to clarify, this is not an 8 year old that I hang out with, this is a 22 year old. I felt that was important to clarify this because our conversations might appear to suggest otherwise. 

She is simply an awesome and very quizzical woman who, if you were to spend time with her, you would not ever run out of interesting conversations to be had. For more info check the "Regular people on my blog" section at the top of the page. 

Also... One-And-Only-Daniela died my hair for me (in the most painful way I have ever known it to be). Check out my new red!

Further awesome news to follow in tomorrow's post. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 11 November 2011

Plan B: The start of my birthday celebrations

One-And-Only-Daniela is coming to my house for the weekend. She doesn't know it but I have the best night planned for her tonight. 

You see, tomorrow I have another day of people traipsing through my flat and deciding whether they would like to live there. However, I've been a bit of a slob this week so it doesn't look too presentable. Due to this I have organised an awesome party for the both of us called "tidy Lisa's house until it looks sparkling party." 

One-And-Only-Daniela, it would be fair to say, may be even more of a slob than I am. As such I'm sure she'll be well happy with this party because it's something that she doesn't usually do so it can be something she can look forward to and cherish! I'm such a good friend. 

The whole process of people looking through my flat and judging it has been okay because they're usually not that verbal. They just come in, look in each room, smile, nod their heads and leave. However, earlier in the week, as I was walking up the path to my house, I spotted a man staring at me. I turned to look at him suspiciously and this was the following conversation that took place. 

Man: Are you the girl who was in this house when we came to look at it last Saturday?
Me: (Smiles as I vaguely recognise him, whilst also thinking that this would make sense given that my key was in the lock) Yeah, that was me. 
Man: Wow, small world.
Me: (Thinks to self, "not really given that this is the same address you came to so it kinda makes sense that you would see me here.) Yeah, I guess. 
Man: How long have you lived here then?
Me: Just a year, I loved it but it was just too expensive so I'm finding elsewhere. Did you like the place?
Man: No, I thought it was horrendous. It's a horrible flat. 
Me: Oh... Well, okay then. 
Man: I just can't understand why anyone would pay to live there. 
Me: (Thinks to self, "Well quite clearly I have but cheers for the input.") Well anywho, must dash. Thanks for the chat. 


It's not just me right? The whole point of that conversation was completely non existent... It was like he stopped me purely to voice his opinion on the crappiness of my chosen lifestyle. But I guess whatever makes people feel better... 

I mean yes, the place is appallingly decorated, there is no central heating, there is condensation permanently trapped in both back windows which makes it impossible to look out of and the sofas are the most uncomfortable things I have ever had to sit on. But still... You know... It has character and stuff. 

Anywho, I will be moving out in three weeks and now that the apocalypse has failed to happen I shall have to actually look for a flat to move into... No pressure or anything. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

We're still here??

... Well. I feel foolish.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Goodbye everyone... It's been fun. 

It's with an ache in my heart and a tear in my eye that I bid you all adieu as tonight will be my last post. 

I hope that I have been informative in these last couple of weeks and provided enough help so that you can successfully enjoy the remaining of your existence. I would love to be able to continue with passing on my disturbed thoughts to you but as of tomorrow everything changes and I'm not even sure I will ever see a computer again. 

Needless to say I have loved you all and might even see half of you again. To the other half... Good luck on your side of the fence, may you be blessed and happy in all the decisions you make. 

What can I possibly be talking about I hear you ask? Well the inevitable rapture of course! Tomorrow is the day!



Okay. So it seems like I am the only person who seems to think the end of the world is happening but I assure this was not made up! Jo-Jo told me it would happen and you guys might not know Jo-Jo but I have it on good authority that she has never lied to me yet! ... Well there was that one time but she did say that it was better I didn't know because then I would avoid being tortured slowly and painfully by the men following her around, so it was totally justified. Besides I didn't even know the guy who was murdered that well so it made sense that I didn't get too involved. 

But anywho, I digress. The end of the world is nigh and happening tomorrow. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that there are a lot of 11's involved in the date and so, going by that assumption, I would hazard a guess that we should all ascend/descend sometime in the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the day... Possibly at the 11th second (which you have to admit is a lot cooler than any of the other dates that have been predicted).

If I were you I would make sure you're somewhere really quirky at that exact time because it will blatantly be one of those moments that people will look back on and ask, where were you when the rapture happened? You know like people say now with "Where were you when the Beatles broke up?" or "Where we're you when that guy first landed on the moon?" With that in mind, imagine how awesome it would be if you could answer with something like, "Well actually I was wrestling a shark whilst eating jelly" or "I was trying to see if I could swallow a baby elephant whole" (your quirky thing does not need to involve an animal, this was just my personal preference).

So with that said I guess I have imparted all the knowledge I have to give you and I will say goodbye whilst I board the plane to Africa so that I can find a Giraffe's neck to abseil down. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I fear I may be too suspicious for dating...

As a active point of trying to progress my love life to anything other than "Sorry mum, no new boyfriend yet, I forgot I was meant to be looking for one," and then watch her disappear into a pool of her own despair  and fear that I will never give her grandchildren, I joined a dating site today that my friend Jo-Jo recommended me. Due to them being uuber careful about who is on it they are vetting everything I've put on my profile and so, as such, my profile looks completely bare. 

However, determined not to let this disrupt my new found wave of moving forward with my life, I continued on to browse through the men the site had to offer. 

Line-Manager-Monica and I reviewed my future prospects and occasionally fell on some that have the best chance of breaking through my crippling wall of phobia. On the site you have the option to "smile" at the person, which I guess is a way to let them know that you appreciate the way they look. 

Anywho, Line-Manager-Monica and I may have gotten a little carried away, mainly due to any time I gave a reaction that sounded remotely positive she would cry out "smile at him." Running off the adrenaline of reacting like everyone else when they like a guy, I managed to dismiss my default "If I like him I should never look at his profile again in case he realises" reaction and actually pressed the smile button.

I may have got a little click happy by the end but when I went back to my profile I noticed not one but two guys had looked at my profile and one if the guys who I had smiled at had smiled at me back and left me a message!

Well this had to have been the most exciting thing to have happened in my love life for the past three years so naturally I was rather excited by this prospect. (If you are new to my blog and find it bizarre that this is my reaction, please may I refer you to this post and this one to explain my love life.)

I clicked on my inbox and found the following message:

"Hey! Nice profile, any chance of a picture?"

Guys... Is it wrong that my default reaction to this was to be instantly turned off by the superficialness of it? I mean, I had uploaded a picture but it was still being vetted which was why he couldn't see it. I had already said to Line-Manager-Monica whilst I was gaily smiling at everyone that there was no point because they couldn't see my profile yet and so wouldn't be able to know who's smiling at them which is understandable, but the moment he asked for a photo, I was all "how dare you not be interested in me just as I am? You should be better than that."

To further illustrate my sheer hypocritical nature, when previously refining my search for looking for men myself, I had instantly ticked the box to insist that only profiles with pictures are shown...

This, people, is my problem. This is the reason my mother has taken a desperate tone with me whenever discussing my love life, this is the reason that one of my friends, upon me telling them that I am turning 26 on Saturday, commented that I will most probably die an old maid. I simply either cannot be bothered with finding a guy or give up within five seconds. 

To my mother who may be reading this and wriggling in her seat with joy that I appear to have turned a corner in terms of my love life. Sorry... Chances are I will most probably come up with excuses for all of the guys I come across on this site. Either that or I'll simply lose interest in the site altogether. Even now I can feel my proactive wave subsiding and my need for a nap taking it's place. I'll probably just get a puppy instead. 

Peace out my lovelies.  

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Apocalypse versus getting a year older... Which one will win?

It is my birthday on Saturday! Huzzah, I shall be turning another year older. That's 26 for those who don't know. 

I've been reluctant to get my hopes up too much about celebrations for this however given that it falls the day after the latest apocalypse but on the off chance that we don't all disappear into a world with no clothes I decided today to make temporary arrangements!

Thinking about it, I should probably have celebrated it last weekend just in case but I guess even I hold a level of pessimism about whether or not we will in fact take the plunge. 

I know what you may be thinking... If you've made preparations for your birthday then what was the point in everything you have done in anticipation for Friday? And in answer to your queries I initially agreed with you and then spent the afternoon feeding in logic to preparing for both. 

The logic I came up with? I'm preparing myself for every eventuality because I'm that organised. Yes I have once again managed to justify my logic in such a way that has me looking like I'm a winner. 

You see, even though I am convinced that this Friday will be different to other end of world dates, it would mighty small minded of me to just assume it will happen for definite. As such I am also making alternate plans. 

Also... It's my birthday, and I like birthdays. They're fun and remind me that I'm getting closer to being that older woman who can talk and sing to herself whilst sitting at a bus stop and people allow me because they think "bless her she's just senile." 

This part of my life is going to be my finest point. I have soooo many plans about what kind of crap I will be able to get away with due to my advanced age. Here are a few I have dreamt of:

1: I get to dye my hair light pink or purple and it is deemed as stylish. 

2: I get to wear a hairnet to bed even though I have no clue what purpose they are for. 

3: I get to overly criticise the youths of the day and tut loudly, muttering words like "disgraceful" and "far too slutty for my liking," knowing full well they can hear me. 

4: I once was sitting in McDonalds with Older-Brother-Glyn and we watched an old lady dance around the floor shouting at people and singing and no one batted an eyelid because apparently she had lived enough years of her life to qualify that kind of behaviour. Both Older-Brother-Glyn and I envied her for that and imagined fondly of a time when we too will earn such a privilege. 

5: I get to have one of those shopping bags on wheels that I can shuffle behind as slowly as I like no matter how busy the high street may be. 

6: I would very much like a cane that I can use to poke people with when they get in my way. 

7: I get to have an electric buggy which is like my own personalised car that I can drive on the pavement.

8: I can get away with forgetting anything I don't really want to remember like days out with people I don't like or commitments that I don't really want to carry through. 

9: I really want one of those horns people use to stick in their ears to help them hear better... I appreciate that nowadays people just use hearing aids but when they tell me that I'll just tell them to hush and respect their elders. 

10: I will never have to stand up on public transport again. People will always give me a seat. 

So yes, the apocalypse may happen... But if it doesn't and I'm fortunate to reach that age... Man, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 7 November 2011


I'm feeling awkward and exposed about the previous post so here's a picture of a otter that I think looks awesome.

Ha ha, it's like he's laughing... like a real person.

Love it.

And now for something completely different.

There's a certain aspect about my life that I really haven't put forward on this blog. There are two reasons for this,

1. Because I am unbelievably chicken and completely "male" when it comes to being honest about my emotions.

2. Because I generally try and keep this blog a safe and humorous place where people can come to laugh, including me.

However, after reading the honesty that falls from other blogger's words, bloggers like The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half and due to the fact that I feel I owe it to myself to at least embrace on here a large part of my being, I have decided to share with you the side of me that I have been suffering with for a little over 5 years now.

My reasons for this are to help myself by putting my current emotions and state of mind out in the open, writing has always been a very strong and positive form of therapy for me. Also, maybe through my words, there are others that might get something out of it by not feeling so alone in the emotions they too may be feeling.

So here goes, for the past 5 years I have suffered from a rather annoying but very real episode of depression. This is something that comes and goes in spouts of when it feels like it. Three years ago I had a breakdown that will forever be known as the biggest low point of the sodding illness. I say "forever be known" with a great deal of optimism and hope that no matter how bad the future gets I will not have to reach the depths I reached then.

A lot has changed since that point, instead of being ashamed and overwhelmed by the painful chest and grippling emotions that threaten to engulf my chest on a frequent basis, I have learnt to cope with it. I have learnt that no matter how crappy the road that my emotions take me on is, and no matter how much I am not able to pull myself out of the current funk I am in, I will come out the other side at some point.

For those of you who might not be aware of the symptoms that fall under the title "depression" I can only tell you my own experience. So without further ado, I give you

Depression explained:

Most of the time for me my depression will breed out of uncertainty in my life, either through panic that I might not be capable of doing something, or in a massive change in my circumstance and loss of a routine I am used to, or - and this is the one that hits home most of all - an overwhelming (and usually quite unsubstantiated) feeling of guilt.

Guilt has been my master for goodness knows how long. I just simply don't deal well with it. And the bitch of it is guilt will quite often rear it's ugly head when there is actually no need for it. An example of this was when I was recovering a couple of years ago, I went out with some friends at work, did a bit of bowling and went home. The next morning I woke up and was convinced that I had done something the night before that consitituted a need to feel guilty. This, my friends, is ridiculous. I had behaved myself, played and few games and even managed to have a good time but the guilt in my life is a bastard that bugs me for no apparent reason.

Nowadays, since I learnt that it wasn't the worst sin in the world to suffer from depression, I have gained a lot more control over my guilt. It now tends to wait until it might have something to go on, like I forgot to bring something in for someone at work or I said something sarcastic that someone may have taken me seriously on. As such I don't become completely controlled by it on a regular basis but it still can grab me by the rib cage and knock me about sometimes.

Regardless of what it is that is the factor for becoming depressed the end result is still the same. For me it feels like a physical pain in my chest. It hurts constantly. I wake up with this pain and continue for the rest of the day, whether it be a good or a bad one, with it constantly bearing down on me.

I have learnt a lot of ways of how to deal with this pain when I have it and take the opinion that I won't let it control me. As such, even though I cannot control when and where the symptoms are going to strike, when they do I am ready and have my coping mechanisms in place.

Even though this is now the case, it doesn't stop the fact that the whole thing sucks. It causes you to want to cry at really innappropriate times and places. It makes you unmotivated and paranoid. It causes you to behave even more neurotic than you usually feel even though your mind is telling you that the logic causing your body into a full blown panic attack is actually crap to begin with.

Through my illness I have been so grateful to those friends who have endured me and let me panic and freak out and disappear off the chart when I need to and not read anything malicious into it. I'm grateful to my parents for picking me up, loving me unconditionally and dealing with me when I had to move back in with them three years ago and was at my very worst. I'm grateful for Oldest-Friend-Cafrin who seems to know exactly when I need a visit from her and The-Goddaughter because nothing makes me happier than spending time with those two. I'm grateful to One-And-Only-Daniela who graciously talks crap about her life on the phone to me when I'm having a panic attack and I need someone to distract my mind. I'm grateful to Rachael-And-Claire-The-Bullies who have been there almost from the beginning and have always been so understanding of my crappy tendencies to attempt to self destruct and still know that at the end of the day, all I need is people to be sarcastic and funny with in order to take my mind off the whole crapness of it.

I talk about my friends a lot on this thing, they all have centre place because they are all awesome and mean so much to me. As such, my life is as it is because of the friends in it so why wouldn't every post I write have something to say about each one of them? I'm an incredibly sarcastic and emotionally stunted person most of the time, but just occasionally I feel the need to say the thing that I hope my friends see as a given. They mean so much to me and I am unbelievably grateful for their freindship.

And finally, I'm grateful for this world of internet bloggers who are so honest with their emotions and feelings that they give me the strength to be able to express the way I am as well as giving me a smile when I need it the most. I found this hidden world of interneters 10 months ago and I can't tell you how it is has helped me to laugh at what you all have to say and feel the community in the posts and the comments of those around.

So yes I suffer from depression, and yes I probably will continue to on and off for the remainder of my life, but I still find myself blessed. I still am honoured to know you all, and I want to thank you, (if I know you personally or only internetually) for brightening up my life.

Much love


Friday, 4 November 2011

Thomas the 'Dank' engine more like... Yeah that's right, I went there.

A lot  of people seem to be talking about Thomas the Tank Engine lately. I've seen it in tweets and Facebook statuses, I've even caught it being brought up in real life conversations. 

On all of these occasions, one factor stays the same, people really seem to like the guy. This upsets me. 

Thomas the Tank Engine is not a nice train guys. He may come across as pleasant and jolly and always smiling but I assure you, that little blue engine is compensating for something... he is trying too hard. 

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that, being a frequent commuter, I don't trust there is anything remotely good about any trains. That alone would be fine. We commuters know they're bad, they act bad. Cut and dry. Simple as that. 

However, this is where Thomas pisses me right off. Because he doesn't follow suit. He pretends that he's good and helpful and friendly with all his other jolly train friends. Why? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that Thomas the Tank Engine and chums are hiding something. Something sinister. They try their very hardest to appear joyous and entertaining but late at night as they all say goodnight and the Fat Controller tucks them into their little garages...

I haven't gotten as far as to work out what it is that the trains are up to but I have my suspicions and all of them result in the same conclusion, Thomas and friends are pure evil. 

I've been working on this theory for a little over a month now. It has been over this month however that people have suddenly started to express their love internetually for Thomas. I can only conclude that this means I am on the right tracks (pun intended) and they are now working overtime to keep his name clean. 

Who's "they"? I hear you ask? Well, I don't know for sure but what I am 80% sure of is it involves a gang devoted to animal sacrifices and a bit of dabbling in cannibalism. 

I began my feud with Thomas a month ago and I will publicly go forth with this until I bring justice and personally destroy the evil they have been subconsciously feeding into our brains since childhood. 

For those of you shaking your head and reaching for the "that's just bizarre" box below, I agree this may be one of the more outrageous claims I have made but it doesn't make it any less likely to be possibly true. 

To those who agree with me, make covert contact with me and I'll tell you the password, handshake and underground location of my super secret society. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

Thursday, 3 November 2011

The zombies are here.

Work-Buddy-James and I went out to lunch today. The following conversation happened in the car after a pissed off Work-Buddy-James was cut up by the third car in the space of two minutes. 

WBJ: What the hell is wrong with you??
Me: I get a feeling that they're not going to answer that... I don't think they can hear you. 
WBJ: I swear the whole world has gone crazy this week. It's like everyone's caught a disease that makes them stupid. 

(A car slows down in front of us and WBJ yells out a few expletives whilst speeding up and overtaking.) 

Me: I don't like being in a car with you when you're angry. It makes me think that I'm not going to live for much longer. 
WBJ: What are you talking about? I'm a perfectly safe driver!
Me: (Holding onto the seat by my fingernails, staring straight ahead) Uhuh, I feel perfectly confident that I will get to our destination safely. 
WBJ: It's not me! It everyone else, all week people have been behaving like idiots. It's like they've caught some bug. 
Me: (Stops and turns slowly to face WBJ) James. You know what this might mean?
WBJ: The apocalypse?
Me: Exactly. 
WBJ: I thought that too. How many days do we have?
Me: Nine. Which is probably enough days to fully occupy the world if they had started it this week.
WBJ: Wait, who started what?
Me: The zombies! That's what's happening to the world right now. People are slowly turning. It makes sense, zombies really aren't that bright. 
WBJ: (Gasps) It's just like Shaun of the Dead had foretold it. What if we become the only ones left?
Me: I don't see that happening, I'm not the only one building a house on sticks and sleeping with a machete under my pillow. 
WBJ: I don't want to live in the trees. What if I need to get down for any reason? I'd prefer to be locked in a house. 
Me: It is a house. It's just up on sticks so the zombies can't get to it. I'm working on a big enough supply to last me in terms of food for a while. I certainly have enough to last until a week tomorrow when we'll all disappear anyway. 
WBJ: Oh. You've thought about this a lot more than me. 
Me: Which is why, should we get separated, you will inevitably get bitten and turned... Or eaten. 
WBJ: Nah, I'd fight them off with brute strength... Or I'll just be so lazy and clueless that I'll crash at home and not even notice that zombies were even here. 
Me: My money's on the last option. 
WBJ: (Pauses) Mine too. 

So there you have it people. We all think that we are getting mass colds and sickness but really the world is slowly turning into zombies, one cell at a time. 

It's time to make a stand. From now on, none of you must allow anyone, friend, foe, or random stranger in the street, to bite you at all. Not even a little bit. I know the sacrifice is a big one to ask, but guys, it's just not worth the risk

Keep to shaking hands, a possible kiss on the cheek, but only if the rule is the mouth must stay closed at all times. Should you find the temptation too high then don't even attempt it and use a wave as a form of greeting instead. 

Be strong guys and together we can beat this. 

Also, you need to be ready to decapitate friends, loved ones and family. That might suck but it'll be worth it in the long run down to the fact that you will be living and not wanting to eat human brains. 

If you already have a fetish for eating human brains then chances are you have already turned. If you have always had a fetish for human brains then get yourself to a lab, you might be patient zero and the possible cure to complete zombie world domination. 

Also, if you find yourself limping all of a sudden, drawling with half your face slumped, your skin turning a light shade of green, and a sudden urge to moan a lot then you also may have turned... Or you're having a stroke... I'm not too sure how to help you tell the difference between those two actually, you're just going to have to use your own judgement. 

I'm going to go and make the finishing touches to my new home and move in. Speak soon and good luck not turning into a monster before we all disappear forever!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Younger-Brother-Daniel may start to beat me at internet domination.

Younger-Brother-Daniel has done another video. This time he took one of the vlogs performed by the one and only You Tube legend that is John Green and put scripted animation to it. Check it out.

He had a whole phone conversation with me today and then threw an off beat comment somewhere near the end about the fact that he had done this video. I said I'd watch it and we said goodbye.

After watching it and loving it, the following text conversation happened:

Younger-Brother-Daniel has been shortened to YBD

Me: That vid was amazing. Have you sent it to John as a video response?

YBD: He's seen it, i sent him an email asking if i could use the audio, and then again when it was done he said he was gonna try and tweet it.

Me: Wait. He wrote back to you and said he would tweet it?

YBD: Said he was gonna TRY and tweet it, so i don't think its a definite, but yeah he wrote back, said he really liked it :-)

Me: Oh my days. That's huge!! When did that happen?

YBD: Today, i think it was late at night when he sent me the email for him though.

Me: Oh my days Daniel. You're a recognised nerdfighter. JOHN GREEN KNOWS YOU EXIST!!!!!! How did you last that entire phone conversation without bursting out with that little nugget?

YBD: Ha, cause nothing may come of it, don't wanna build it up too much in my head. And i didn't know if i could bare the screeching excitement i imagine is going on right now from your mouth:-)

Me: Daniel. John Green maybe thinking about you right now. There is no way you could possibly build that up bigger than it actually is.

YBD: Ha! loser.

Yes. That actually happened.

For those of you who don't know who John Green is... You guys really need to stop having a real life and spend more time procrastinating on the Internet because there is a whole world of mind numbing yet hilariously entertaining things you are missing out on. An example of John is here (it's old but one of my favs):

The link to his channel is here.

And another video that has nothing to do with him except I found it on YouTube as well this week is here.

You're welcome and good night.

Peace out my lovelies.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The upcoming apocalypse: Where you should be progressed to now.

We have now entered the month of November, otherwise known as the month when the world will end... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

As such I thought I might show off my expertise once more in the world of surviving the apocalypse. Trust me, you'll thank me later... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

Okay, so now that we are officially 11 days away, let me provide you with a checklist of things that should be completed by now in order for you to succeed maximum preparation. 

1. You have established a relationship and regular interaction with the people you are sure will be joining you when the rapture comes.

Hell goers: You should now have identified the perfect companion to hang around with once you are in hell. By this point you should have made initial contact, possibly by contacting the prison warden and passing a letter through to them. If you have taken this route then you should have started to gain this person's trust, slipping in photos with the letters that show the intricate tattoo you have been carving onto your body, showing a clear map of the prison grounds and suggesting that there might be a way out of where they are (there's no reason to tell them the way out is probably via hell, it'll just bum them out and they'll probably take it the wrong way anyway).

Whatever you do, make sure you offer them everything they want. The important thing here is to become their most reliable friend. It doesn't matter if you can't deliver on your promises because it won't matter in 11 days anyway and they're locked up so they'll hardly be in a rush to get what they need. 

What you want to achieve is the intent to have been an awesome friend because that's what they're going to remember when you get down there. 

Heaven goers: There really isn't much more you need to do in terms of making friends because, regardless, people are going to be loving you once you get up there anyway so you might as well just catch up on some extra sleep and finish that Sudoku puzzle book you've had sitting in your house for the past three years. 

2. You have finished writing your bucket list and are now working through the thing chronologically.

The most important thing about creating this bucket list is that you have made the goals realistic. You do only have 11 days left, so if you do have a large list, you should be at least two thirds through it by now. 

Also you need to make sure your goals won't get in the way of your preparations for your new home. For example: if you are going to heaven, it would be inadvisable to put something on your list like "drown a bunch of kittens in a large bucket" as this act might ruin your chances of getting into heaven and it is getting too late to only start preparing for hell now... I feel it is important to point out to anyone who may indeed be planning to drown kittens or something of that equivalent that you might want to recheck your guarantee into heaven. There may be a chance that you are deluding yourself... Unless you have a genuine reason, then who am I to judge?

All in all, you should probably only have enough time for about 11-12 more goals on your list, so if you have more I'd begin to prioritise. 

3. Start getting comfortable with being naked in public.

By now you should have ventured out and made at least three attempts of being publicly nude. For some reason, one of the consistent rules in reading about any rapture is that humans are allowed to go to heaven and hell but clothes are not. As such you will be naked from the 12th November onwards so you need to start preparing yourself for that. 

Another thing to consider are any embarrassing tan lines that you may have. Or whether you are tanned at all. Hell goers: this might not be as much of an issue because after one day, chances are you will have all been toasted to the same crisp colour but if you want to avoid that embarrassing first couple of moments then perhaps buy some sun bed appointments? Or even fake tan?

Really examine how you will look naked when you get to where you're going. There will be a lot of people in the same boat as you and just imagine how amazing you would feel if you were the one person that had prepared? That would be awesome. You could lord it over everyone there. 

Above all you need to ensure you are comfortable in your skin. Whichever way you go, you are going to have a lot of new things to concentrate on and the last thing you need is to be distracted by the embarrassment of being naked. 

Okay so, if you have all of this in hand then you are well and truly on your way to being prepared and well done, if not then... There is still hope, it just may be a little more hectic for you for the next week. Good luck!!

Peace out my lovelies.